We’ve all heard the expression that there are “Two Sides to Every Story.” I’ve come to the realization that at minimum, there are three sides. If we think of a story as a moment in history which impacts a number of people, getting to the real story involves filtering information.
Like an interrogator trying to solve a crime by interviewing a suspect, I’ve found that I have to filter information in a way that I can come to an understanding of what is really going on. However, it takes more than just finding out what both parents viewpoint is. It actually involves presuppositions from my own point of view as well as other parties.
So what are the three sides that exist in every story?
The storyteller’s
First, there is the initial storytellers viewpoint. In a situation where a marriage is breaking up, you will often be presented with a biased opinion from one party, which is telling the story in a way to make themselves out to be the victim. This rant is usually emotionally charged, facts get lost or turned around because the story teller isn’t thinking straight, and at the end of the conversation, you know that it wasn’t totally accurate.
(If you find yourself believing every word you hear in those conversations, please contact me, I have something to sell you.)
As I have mentioned before, do your best to stop these rants before they get too far along. It isn’t fair for you, as you will have enough issues to go through during the process of parental splits. As soon as you feel a conversation getting emotional, my recommendation is to let the person know that they need to put down the phone for a minute and grab a drink (preferably a non-alcoholic beverage.)
The one you hear
The second side to every story is the one you hear. Everyone sees the world and the situations within it through a filter. Depending on what you know of the history causing the war, you may feel yourself agreeing more easily with one combatant than the other. This could be a signal that you have started seeing the situation through their eyes.
My wife found that the more she allowed a party to share the war stories, the angrier at the other party she became. Although in some ways, the anger was actually justified, it meant that the filter she saw the stories through, became slanted in one person’s favor. Rather than being a neutral party, she found herself taking sides.
The truth
I can honestly say that in a separation situation, there is a 0% chance that the whole truth and nothing but the truth is going to come out. Even if you are completely neutral and the party telling the story is completely truthful from their perspective, you will not hear the whole truth because chances are, know one knows the whole truth.
Other sides
Of course, it is a minimum of three sides to every story. The more “storytellers” that are involved, the more sides you have. Like the children’s game of telephone, the truth isn’t usually clear at the end. It is very important that you keep this in mind, lest you think you know everything and then find the truth comes and bites you later.
