Published 1 year, 11 months ago
in General.
One of the more depressing things to think about when your parents have split up is an event like a holiday. Throughout my life it was a time when I could go back “home” and enjoy my mothers cooking and spend some time with my dad.
Everything has changed now. It will be the first Christmas that my parents won’t be together and we are already starting out by making our place the “home” for the holidays.
It wasn’t really planned as a way to get around the issue of which parent to go visit although it works that way. We can now start traditions around our tree and build lasting memories with our kids, regardless of who else comes to visit.
I have a suggestion for those of you that are struggling with who to invite or which parent to visit. Instead of looking at the past, look into the future and build new traditions. Take the good memories and forget about the bad. It is a time when it is easy to get upset at the way your parent’s mistake causes problems but honestly, being upset won’t change the facts.
Vent in the comments or in the forum.
Published 2 years, 3 months ago
in General.
While divorcing parents battle it out with each other, the innocents often get hit with the shrapnel.
My parents have officially called it quits and at the beginning of this month began the process of dividing property with my father moving out of the house and my mother staying until it sells. The settlement was done without lawyering on each side other than making sure it was legal. So although feelings are hurt and bitterness from years of anger at each other remain, things are at least civil.
Unfortunately, the battle still goes on. The two don’t talk to each other without sniping and can’t seem to talk about each other without doing the same. I understand why there is a need to look better than the other but all the advice I have received thus far in the process from other ACODs (Adult Children of Divorce) is to stay out of the middle.
I’ve made it very obvious that when one insults the other I will leave the room or abruptly terminate the conversation, no matter how accurate or truthful the statement was. For example: if one makes a comment about the other’s character in a disrespectful manner, I will turn around and leave. To allow the disrespect to continue will give permission to the offender to use me.
What do you think? Am I too harsh? Do I not care what my mom and dad are going through?
Published 2 years, 7 months ago
in resources.
I spent some time today doing some searching for resources that I could link to and found a great site. It’s an About.com section/area so you may feel overwhelmed by the advertising but don’t let that stop you from reading the materials.
One interesting thing I found out while skimming the articles there was that I am now known as an ACOD. Which stands for an Adult Child Of Divorce. I love being an Acronym.
Anyways, check it out then come back here and let me know if it helped at all.
Here are some quotes that I found relevant to what I have gone through.
I would have put my foot down far sooner over my parents making me their messenger. It HURTS to be in the middle like that, and parents have no business putting their children of any age in that position. I should have told them from the start that I would not be their messenger, their go-between, their middleman, and followed through. Would they have been angry? Sure. Would they still have stopped speaking to each other if they hadn’t had me to communicate through? There’s no telling. But it would have been much easier for me. That was one of the worst parts of the whole ordeal. And it’s something no one should have to go through.
Laura Little - In Retrospect
In an article called Shattering the Myths, these gems came out.
Adult children may not live at home, but there is a definite peace of mind in knowing that there is a “home” to go to, should the need arise. That feeling of home and backdrop of support are very important to most adults, especially those just starting out on their own. And parental divorce erases all of that. Also, while day-to-day activities may not be affected as they are for children that live at home, some activities will be affected. Most adults still visit parents, call them on the phone, etc. These now require twice as much time. Events and holidays must be split. I could write an entire column just listing the ways parental divorce affects the daily lives of adult children.
Laura Little - Shattering the Myths
This is probably the first time I stuck around to read anything on about.com and I was pleasantly surprised at the information I found there.
