If there was one thing I have gone through over the past few years of my parent’s marriage disintegration, it is being stuck between a Rock and a hard place.
Being an adult, and understanding much of the background causing the marital discord, I’ve tried to get involved in trying to keep the marriage together. I’ve had to take some time off work due to the stress, and it has impacted my own marriage as well.
I felt like I was the only one that could keep my mom and dad together and began acting as a counsellor between them. I knew that I couldn’t do it long term so I did everything I could to get them to go to counselling.
Here is what I have learned from that time.
- Everything you say will be used against you. Unfortunately, I realized a little too late that when I was agreeing with one parent about the issues they had with the other, that was all they heard. Then, a few days later after the two argued, my words would be used to back up their point, regardless of how out of context they were.
- Staying neutral is impossible. Trust is critical to the whole situation. When one party lied to me to protect a lie they had told their spouse, I felt just as wronged as the spouse did. From that point on, I had lost my neutrality in the situation which may cause long term impact.
- Don’t be a steam shaft. Allowing your parents to use your time and emotions as their place to vent is extremely dangerous. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get out of this once a parent sees you as initially willing to be a listening ear. I’ve had to develop some tough love to protect myself.
- Trust is critical. I know I said this earlier, but it is important enough to mention twice. If you are too close to the situation, you may be unable to see the big picture and trust too much. My wife and I felt betrayed when we were lied to, not because we fell for it, but because we had backed up the lie because of our trust in the person. We felt used.
- Enough is eventually enough. Unfortunately, by the time you get to this point of understanding, it may be too late. My recommendation is to try and withdraw from the mediator role, long before this realization comes up.
- You are not responsible for their actions. This was probably the toughest thing I had to deal with. I’ve taken counselling and psychology classes in school so I felt like it was not using my skills and somehow, I would be responsible if I didn’t do my part. It took someone counselling me before I saw that.
I wanted to post this so that those of you who are going through this same type of thing can realize you are not alone. Feel free to post a comment (you don’t even need to use your real name) and I’d love to help you too.